Back to Square ONE!

So after going without seeing "him" for a month (no text, skype,phone calls) nothing, he came by today! Any other time this would be totally exciting, but this time I feel like after so much progress; I'm back to square one. I guess the only saying " Outta sight, outta mind" it really relevant, especially in this case. As long as I didn't see or talk to him I was fine. But as soon I caught a glance at him, there I was; back at square one! Square one, isn't the most difficult position to be in. However, when you're trying to progress and somehow you find yourself in a postion (literally/figuratively) that you've been in prior in SUCKS! How do you get over someone that you care for so deeply? Is it possible?

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Ephiphany

So as I was driving along 290, I started thinking about the times you & I had! The reasons I couldn't let you go became even clearer to me, I'm in LOVE with you. knowing that, I also I can't be with you, which makes this thing even more complicated. For two years you seen ALL of me, you been there & to have that go away is kinda scary. I guess in a lifetime you always get that one person you can't live without. I guess you're a my "person". I began to think about the what ifs..what if there were no kids, no extra responsiblites, no nothing just he & I. Would I then be able to accept all the things about him & be willing to give my heart away so easily? I guess this stuff takes time, but I don't have time. I don't have time to sit & think someone that isn't thinking of me or has moved on. I just don't want to do that anymore. So how long does it take to get over someone you love, but can't be with?

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Random Thoughts

So there's this guy I've been "dating" for the past 1 1/2-2 years. He's everything I would want in a man, (God-fearing, attractive, family oriented, kind hearted, etc.). Well from jump he told me he had kids & I figured it was cool, because I wasn't looking for anything serious. Well long story short I ended up catching feelings & expressed how I felt. He claimed he felt the same way but thought we should take things slow. Well in my mind, when a guy says that I just immediately shut down. There's no acting like we're in a relationship or nothing; just friends. Anywho, recently I sat and thought about what life could be with him. I mean would I be ready to be a "step-mom" straight out of college? I had never thought his children (as in more than one) would be a problem for me. I mean I love kids & I hope to one day have my own. But as I evaluated the possibilites of he & I , I soon realized he wasn't the guy for me. This wasn't just any guy, he was someone I loved & cared about. For some reason I just can't get him out of my head & its so frustrating!

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Short end of the STICK...

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m always THE ONE on the short end of the stick so to speak. I often feel like my all isn’t always good enough. It could just be me, but its something I’ve felt for quite awhile.
I mean why is it that I always pick the guy that’s into another female or even into men, has a dozen kids, lack ambition. I’ve heard the saying you are what you attract. But I honestly don’t think I possess any of those characteristics. For instance, this guy *Thomas and I kicked it for about a year or so on and off. At first, he was really into me; while I wasn’t really checking for him. We were hot and heavy for a couple of months and then I broke the news. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship at that time. He looked as If I had just ripped his heard out and fed it to the dogs. I felt so bad, but I knew it was something I had to tell him. I guess honesty isn’t always the best policy. So after breaking the news he and I sort of went our separate ways. He called sometimes to check on me, and expressed his love for me. I felt bad because I couldn’t tell him those words, although I wanted to. It just wasn’t in my heart.

*Name Change

New Start....

Starting new or over is something that I often do. Whether its in my personal life, in school or just in life in general. I find that its very important to do when things just seem to get old. Now I'm in a place where I wanna just press the REFRESH button on this page of my life. Although, easier said than done I feel I need to this for me. As far as my personal life I've been "dating" this guy for almost two years. I use quotations, because we really aren't dating. It's convenient and we know each other yet he isn't "ready" to commit. I know he isn't the guy for me, but it seems its almost easier to just to be strung along than to venture into the dating scene. Recently, I've realized that I MUST move on. Its true guys tell you the answers to the questions you have, but only if you listen. So basically he's been telling me for 1 1/2 to 2 years that he didn't want a relationship. I was just to silly and blind to get the picture.
So now I'm making the steps to REFRESH mentally, physically and spiritually. Although I know it won't be easy, its well worth it! So I'm no longer running from the upcoming challenges I'll face. Instead, I will welcome them with open arms!

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